Heartbreak can grip your soul like a vise intent on squeezing the life from it. That all-consuming love the boy next door gave me so purely and freely was gone. All that remained were broken dreams, broken promises, and a broken heart.
I gave myself to him completely. My innocent mind, body, and soul were his. Now he was gone and my shattered heart felt like it could never be put back together.
I curled up into a fetal position on the bathroom floor. One hand rubbed at the place where my happy heart used to beat, trying to push down this intractable pain, while my other hand gripped unexpected test results.
The ground seemed to lurch beneath me, swallowing me whole. I was pregnant and felt utterly lost and alone on that cold floor.
The boy next door was nowhere in sight but still fully on my mind. I was drowning in my sorrow and tears. The pain felt excruciating. I was inconsolable.
It’s been over 30 years since the boy next door left my heart tattered. The memories of that heartache rise to the surface now and again, but the raw, searing pain has lost its cruel hold. I’m no longer that broken soul hopelessly falling into a dark abyss, unsure of how to rise back up and out.
This story isn’t about scientific theories on heartbreak. It’s about the courage to piece together a broken heart. Although your journey may differ, I hope my story can bring you comfort and hope.
Get a little help from your friends
Let your close friends and family be your lifeline. I can’t tell you how many shoulders I cried on repeatedly. I felt numb at times from crying so much, and the last thing I wanted to do was socialize or talk through my feelings. But the people who loved and cared for me never gave up.
They talked when I wanted to talk. At times, they simply listened without pressure or judgment. They gave me reasons to laugh and find joy in simple moments and blessings.
They brought over groceries and cooked for me. They watched movies with me and accompanied me to prenatal appointments so I wouldn’t have to go alone.
Whatever I needed, they gave, even when I gave little back in return. I like to think I’ve given back in spades since then, but in those moments, they knew I simply needed them to be there for me in unspoken ways.
Reach out and connect with trusted people in your life and let them be your shelter through the storm. Let their sunshine lift your spirits. Slowly but surely, you’ll find your own sunshine breaking through the clouds.
Nourish your body and soul
This was harder said than done at first. Eating and simply getting up to brush my teeth, much less take a bath, felt daunting and pointless. Every ounce of movement tapped me out. Staying under the covers in a dark room doing nothing seemed so much easier.
But I eventually forced myself to get up and groom, eat, and get some fresh air and physical activity. Oftentimes, I just picked at food or ate a few bites here and there. I had to find the physical and mental energy to take care of the most basic needs.
It was the stern yet loving words of a good friend that smacked me back to reality. I dropped 25 pounds within the first four months of my pregnancy.
“This isn’t good for you, and it surely isn’t healthy for your baby. Do you even want a healthy baby?”
“What? Of course I want a healthy baby,” I replied.
Leave it to a social worker to remind me of my early shortcomings as a soon-to-be mother. And so began my slow crawl back to healthy living.
I still didn’t have much of an appetite, so I focused on eating nutrient-rich foods such as fruits and vegetables. I made it a point to brush my teeth, get dressed, and comb my wild hair every morning.
I set alarms throughout the day to remind me to do the simplest of things, like eat or bathe. Whatever I needed to do to reset my healthy routines and good habits, I did. This wasn’t just about me anymore. My baby deserved better.
I accepted lunch dates with friends, just to force myself to get up and go outside, even if I ate very little. Getting outdoors fed my soul in ways that food couldn’t.
These turned into planned walks, hikes, and sometimes a quick gym workout. I slowly regained my stride and nourishing my body and mind with activities that brought me a bit of pleasure helped revitalize my spirit.
Feed your spirit
I went to parochial school until ninth grade. Despite the prevailing “fire, brimstone, and wrath of God” teachings of the church I attended, I felt a deep connection to my religion.
Once in high school, I rebelled against some of these teachings. I was no longer required to attend chapel multiple times a week and religion wasn’t part of my daily routine.
But in the midst of my current turmoil, another boy next door brought me to church. The day’s sermon resonated strongly with me. After church, the pastor said a prayer of hope, healing, and health for my baby and me.
I started to attend church on a regular basis as it brought me temporary respite and peace. Every day I asked God to wrap me in his healing embrace.
I feed my spirit in many ways. My faith is one way I do this. This may also be your go-to or it may not.
Physical activity also feeds my spirit, especially activities that let me take in the boundless beauty of the ocean and nature.
Spending quality time with my family and playing with my grandkids lifts my spirits like no other. And so does traveling to quaint and charming places off the beaten path.
Nourish your spirit. Doing so can bring a sense of peace, clarity, and comfort. It doesn’t have to be an all-out spiritual intervention or awakening. Just find simple ways to revive your spirit—that part of you that feels mentally, emotionally, and spiritually balanced, lifted, hopeful, and exhilarated.
Empower your mind
My older brother once told me I walked a fine line between genius and insanity. He teased me mercilessly growing up, but I assure you I’m far from insane. I am a self-professed nerd, though. Curious could be my middle name because I love to learn new things, be it through formal education or informal means.
A friend once asked me about my future hopes and dreams. I told her I was determined not to be another teen-pregnancy statistic. I said I wanted to provide a good life for my child and completing my degree would help me accomplish this goal. Back in the day, I dreamed of becoming a plastic surgeon, forensic psychologist, or successful screenwriter.
Being in school and escaping into my books was a welcome distraction. It strengthened my mind and resolve to keep reaching for my stars and accomplish my goals.
When I lapsed into despair, I reminded myself of the progress I’d already made to improve my life and that of my child. I was back in school and working two part-time jobs, one of which entailed working at the library, surrounded by rows of wonderous books to feed my curious nature.
Find ways to invigorate your mind. Doing so can help counter that sense of hopelessness that keeps you down. It’s both empowering and gratifying.
Forgive and let go
Peace can wash over you when you finally let go of the hurt and anger. Once you do, these feelings lose their power over you.
This doesn’t mean you have to forget why or how you were hurt. It means digging deep to truly forgive that other person and yourself.
After all, what purpose does it serve to cling on to negative sentiments? Are you a better, healthier person for doing so?
It also means letting go of false hope. Whether or not a happy reunion is in your future, it isn’t your reality right now. This thinking keeps you stuck and unable to fully move on from the relationship.
I wrote a letter to the boy next door, extending my forgiveness and sharing that I had let go of our past, of wishing he’d come back and make my world whole again. That only I could do that for myself. I freed myself by taking action to reclaim my power.
Choose grace and love
Before I could truly appreciate true love, I had to learn how to love and give grace to myself. I couldn’t give anyone the love they deserved if I didn’t know how to show myself compassion and kindness.
And so I did and so I do. I allow myself this grace. It isn’t perfect. I falter and am self-deprecating at times. I’m probably my harshest critic. But I remind myself that I’m human, a remarkable package of beauty and flaws.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I also acknowledge that I’m a perpetual work-in-progress, not because I’m not good enough but because I strive to be a better, more compassionate human every day.
Seek counseling
Reaching out for professional help isn’t a sign of weakness but of courage and strength. At times, the despair can overwhelm your ability to cope and adjust to the loss of your relationship and the person you loved.
Follow your instinct to seek out confidential help from a licensed mental health provider or counselor if you:
- Feel profoundly sad, hopeless, anxious, or listless
- Cope with your feelings in unhealthy ways such as drinking too much alcohol or abusing drugs
- Often withdraw from your normal activities and family and friends
- Cry often or for long periods
- Can’t sleep or concentrate
- Have thoughts of suicide or have acted on them
- Need help coping
Individual mental health therapy wasn’t part of my coping strategy at the time. But I eventually mustered enough courage to join a support group for single teen mothers.
This gave me a safe and nonjudgmental place to share my experience and the pain, anxiety, and fears it elicited. We commiserated together, but we also laughed and celebrated one another.
Being part of this strong group of young mothers helped shift my attitude and beliefs about my own capabilities and ability to ride this storm and emerge stronger for my experiences. My heart may’ve been battered and bruised, but my soul reclaimed its spirit, power, faith, and hope.
References
O’Donnell, M. L., et al. (2019). Adjustment disorder: Current developments and future directions. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2022). Find a treatment.
Photo credit: Luis Galvez @louiscesar
